where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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