see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
