Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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