I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
