i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
