The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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