someone get that fucking seahorse.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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