I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
