You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
