So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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