After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
