I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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