i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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