Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
