He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
