do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
