I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
