my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
