I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
