Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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