I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
