there's paper in my vomit.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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