When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
how drunk are you?
Several
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
