no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
