i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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