puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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