I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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