Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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