I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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