Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
