Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
God, I missed his penis.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
