There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
