Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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