i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
