Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
