He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
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