You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You ruined the universe
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
