Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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