my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
ok first of all what the fuck
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
