Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
