I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
