i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
