So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
