I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You smell like stripper and shame
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
