i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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