somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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