Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
