he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
