She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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