were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
