Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
