gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
